It’s 1:30 in the morning. My insomnia from the first night here seems to be contagious, as both Topher and I are wide awake. We’re both covered from head to toe in insect bites and we both spent half an hour at around midnight inspecting the mattress with flashlights and magnifying glasses looking for bedbugs. Good news kids; I don’t think we have bed bugs. Every OTHER kind of bug imaginable, yes, but not bedbugs.
I’m hungry. The easiest thing we have to eat is a ripe pineapple sitting on the kitchen counter. I pull out a cutting board, take out a sharp butcher’s knife, and start slicing the top off of it when a gecko bolts out from the pineapple and stops in front of me, looking over his shoulder at my face to clearly give me a FUCK OFF look.
“Aaah!” I jump back in surprise and look at it. It’s missing its tail. I look at my super sharp knife, then look back at it, then look at the pineapple. Did I…
“Babe you okay?” Topher asks from the living room.
“Oh it’s just that there’s a ge-… ahh!” I look back at the pinapple and it’s moving! What kind of animated devil pineapple is this?! I squint and see a COCKROACH running up and down it in lines like it’s being punished in gym class. “Aaahahahaahhhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhahhahag!”
“It’s gonna die! Imma kill it!” I run and grab a magazine and take aim. “Aaaahhhhhgggghhhh! Okay here we go, aahhh!! Ahhh! Die! I got it! I think I got it! Ahahhhhhh it’s still alive ahhh!” I slam the magazine on the floor. “Ahhh. Okay. Okay. Cool.”
I look back on the counter. Mr. Gecko is still there, and there’s no blood to be seen. Whew.
“There was a gecko on the pineapple and I thought I cut its tail off but then there was a cockroach on the pineapple but then I killed it! But now I don’t think I can eat the pineapple.”
“Hah. Probably not tonight.”
And then I ate half of the pineapple.