Dear Friends: Stop Sucking

I love you, but you need to stop having your shit together and join us.

Not to brag, but I have some of most confident, loyal, interesting friends in the world. Friends, because you are so awesome a lot of you have your shit together. You’ve got solid jobs, some of you own houses, a few of you are married, and you’ve got things going on where you’re at. You’re not looking to take off and go to Panama for a month or two with Madi and her boyfriend. I get it, I get it.

But here’s the thing. Topher and I are going to live here from mid-October through mid-November:

Panama And we want you to join us. We’re going to be staying in a gorgeous house right on the ocean on a huge, mostly remote tropical island. Sloths hang out in the trees, monkeys and parrots are going to be our neighbors, and a tropical jungle will be our backyard.

The balcony is right over the water, and previous folks who stayed there said that they saw dolphins while drinking their morning coffee. Imagine laying in a hammock, sipping coffee (and miraculously not spilling it all over yourself) and gazing at the sunrise while dolphins jump about in the waters in front of you. Sounds like a Caribbean wonderland, am I right? You know I’m right.

The house has two bedrooms and is multiple stories, so you could bring yourself, your significant other, and your uncle Holgar (who is famous for his jokes and awkward stares), and we’d still be okay on space.

Basically, we are staying in PARADISE for a month and we want you to grace us with your presence!

But you won’t.

And that’s why you suck.

I’d love to come with live with you and your boyfriend for a month, but I have a newborn child to take care of!

Your little bundle of joy can take care of herself. Teach independence at a young age. Join us.

Wow that sounds cool Madi, but I have a full-time job here in Alabama.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Yeah, I’d love to, but… you’re kind of a bitch.

…Uh, thanks?

Look, I get it. You are a better person than I am. You have real responsibilites, a #girlboss job that fulfills you, maybe a wonderful wife who cooks for you in the nude who doesn’t want to travel… whatever the reason, you won’t be joining us in October on a magical island in Central America.

And you kind of suck for it.

So even though I know the answer is “no”, think of this: there’s a lonely sloth out there who is desperately seeking its true love, which strangely enough looks just like you. There’s a dolphin in Panama who has crippling self-confidence issues and needs to jump for an excited gringo every now and then. There’s a dense green jungle full of cute red frogs ~~and creepy things waiting to eat you in the night~~ that wants you to go exploring in its welcoming arms.

And, quite frankly, your Uncle Holgar needs a vacation.